This week a friend of mine passed away.
If any of you have read 'The Elegant Corpse', you have met my friend. He was one of the characters in the book. I always imagined him as a decrepit horny old man, but sadly he didn't make it to that. He was fifty one and had less than a month after his diagnosis to wrap up his life. He did it with charm and bravado and every photograph of him at the end shows him smiling in that self-deprecating shy way of his.
This sort of thing is always a shock and I've been in a sort of daze, not able to shake it. It helps to talk about him, to remember him, to read his facebook page and the articles here and there about him. He left quite a legacy of photographs behind. He chronicaled much of the gay leather scene out here, and his friends are currently working to make sure his last body of work is shown at the next Pride week. There is something wonderful about someone who takes their passion and makes a career of it.
Which brings me to next reaction we often have to an untimely death. That 'what the hell am I doing with my life?' reaction. Especially since I knew him professionally and he was the one who said 'aw fuck it' and made the leap of faith to chase his dream.
I heard about his death while at work, and while I was still reeling a bit and trying to pull it together, a particularly bitchy coworker, who seems to live to make people unhappy, sent an email about some stupid trivial issue which does not matter to anyone and I'm pleased and yet a little ashamed that I managed not to pack it in and walk out.
I mean, seriously, we are just ants, moving around our little bits of earth for reasons that only seem important, but really aren't. And some ants are even more messed up than others. Some are mean, some are homicidal and violent. Given how small we are and how short life is it seems obscene.
Jay was kookie, kinky and lived in an uncompromising way with who he was and what he believed. I wish I had his courage.
RIP buddy. I hope you are currently residing in an optimally fitted out heavenly dungeon filled with beautiful men.
